Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
