I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
