you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
