I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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