3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
