have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
