i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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