the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
