Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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