Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
