she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
