i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
