Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
