I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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