Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
