Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
