I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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