i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
