EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my being single is dangerous.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
