Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
