My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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