You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
