When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
