I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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