i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
