Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
