Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this boner is exhausting
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
