How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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