I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
