The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
