Ambien. No doubt about it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
