I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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