OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
