Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
