Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
