I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
