Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
