walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
