I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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