Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
