Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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