the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
