Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
