ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
