Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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