Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
