The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
