life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
