I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
