I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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